PUT A BUCK IN YOUR POCKET, AND GIVE ONE TO UNCLE SAM – 2015

Here’s  a repeat of my April 15th anthem to all tax filing procrastinators who need a stiff drink before dropping their returns in the mailbox.

PUT A BUCK IN YOUR POCKET, AND GIVE ONE TO UNCLE SAM
(To the tune, “That’s One for My Baby, and One More For the Road,” by Harold Arlen and Johnny Mercer)

Set ‘em up Steve.
It’s April the fifteenth, tax filing eve.
I’ve got the form here,
But need a little booze, to loosen the fear.
For this line where it shows
how much one owes,
put me on edge, “damn!”
You put a buck in your pocket,
and give one, to Uncle Sam

Now don’t get me wrong.
All my patriotic feelings run strong.
The fervor feels nice.
But wish that could feel it, for half of the price.
It’s like you’d offer a meal.
But not if you feel
they would hog the whole ham.
You put a buck in your pocket
and give one to Uncle Sam.

Where’s it all going?
The government keeps growing.
It just grows and it grows.
We keep on sowing.
Without ever knowing
where it all goes.

Well that does it Steve.
The post office is closing, so I’ve got to leave.
Thanks for the cheer.
I probably will see you, this time next year.
That is, assuming that I’m
not serving some time,
If I get in a tax jam.
Put a buck in my pocket
and give none to Uncle Sam.

You put a buck in your pocket,
and good luck with Uncle Sam.

Lyric © 2013, 2014, 2015  by Robert S. Steinberg, Esquire
All rights reserved

MISTER TAX INSPECTOR

By now most Americans will have filed 2013 income tax returns. The anxiety about filing, having passed, turns into worry over the daily mail. Will the postman deliver a dreaded IRS letter stating that you have been selected for an audit? You might then feel like this.

 MISTER TAX INSPECTOR
(To tune of, “Fascinating Rhythm,” by George and Ira Gershwin)

Mister Tax Inspector
You’ve got me really scared
Mister Tax Inspector
I’m in a flurry.
When I read your letter
I was not prepared
Can you do nothing better?
Than cause me worry?

Each year I file my taxes on time.
(Never late, I’m never late)
Feeling like I’ve committed some crime
I wonder,

Could I be mistaken?
To fear you so?
Will I be forsaken?
Will good luck fail me?
If I have finagled
You’re sure to know.
Can you be inveigled?
Or will you jail me?

I thought that self- assessment meant
I’m on my own.
Mister Tax Inspector
Won’t you please leave me alone?

Reprise:
Mister Tax Inspector
I feel abused.
Why am I selected?
Out of the millions?
Why’d you even bother?
I’m so confused.
Say you wouldn’t rather?
Hunt those with billions?

I thought that self-assessment meant
I’m on my own.
Mister Tax Inspector
Won’t you please leave me alone.

Lyric © 2014 by Robert S .Steinberg, Esquire
All rights reserved

SHOPPING FOR TAX RATES

The corporate rage these days is corporate inversions.  A U.S. Corporation merges with a foreign corp. to obtain the foreign jurisdiction’s lower tax rates.  The merger, in which the U.S. Corporation becomes the surviving entity, is tax-free at the corporate level.  But the U.S. shareholders, who receive no cash on the merger, still must pay tax. The U.S. Corporation’s defend these moves by claiming they need to lower effective tax rates to be more competitive in the global marketplace.  Yet, U.S. stock markets have reached record levels.  So then, what is the real reason for the stampede to escape U.S. tax?

SHOPPING FOR TAX RATES
(To tune of “April in Paris,” by Vernon Duke and E.Y. Harburg (1932))

Shopping for tax rates.
Corporate inversions.
Foreign conversions.
Now all the rave.

Shopping for tax rates.
Mergers to measure.
Profits we treasure.
And crave.

Who cares about morality?
Shareholders who’ll bear the tax?
Morality’s banality.
Numbers motivate our acts.
We’re,

Shopping for tax rates.
Don’t call it treason.
We know the reason.
Pure greed.

Lyric © 2014 by Robert S. Steinberg, Esquire
All rights reserved.

WHY CAN’T THEY LOSE MY FILE?

The crash of Lois Lerner’s IRS computer and resultant loss of e-mails concerning the Section 501(c) (4) review process controversy, makes me think how nice it would be were IRS to lose my file.

WHY CAN’T THEY LOSE MY FILE?
(To tune of “Teenager in Love,” by Doc Pomus and Mort Schuman, for the hit recording by Dion and the Belmonts)

They can’t find Lerner’s e-mails
Wonder how can that be?
If they have lost that female’s
Why can’t they misplace me?
Each night I ask the Gods with a smile
If they’re so flummoxed, why can’t they lose my file?

They always give me trouble
My friends at IRS
If I was in their rubble
I’d worry so much less
Each night I ask the Gods with a smile
If they’re so flummoxed, why can’t they lose my file?

I’d pay no taxes.
Not dread this fear.
My brain relaxes
Just to think I’d disappear

I dream in all my slumber
They’ll lose my SSN
Then I would have no number
And they’re just number men
Each night I ask the Gods with a smile
If they’re so flummoxed, why can’[t they lose my file?

Lyric © 2014 by Robert S. Steinberg, Esquire
All rights reserved

PUT A BUCK IN YOUR POCKET, AND GIVE ONE TO UNCLE SAM

And here’s another repeat of my April 15th anthem to all tax filing procrastinators who need a stiff drink before dropping their returns in the mailbox.

PUT A BUCK IN YOUR POCKET, AND GIVE ONE TO UNCLE SAM
(To the tune, “That’s One for My Baby, and One More For the Road,” by Harold Arlen and Johnny Mercer)

Set ‘em up Steve
It’s April the fifteenth, tax filing eve
I’ve got the form here
And need a little booze to loosen the fear
For this line where it shows
How much one owes
Put me on edge, “damn!”
You put a buck in your pocket,
And give one to Uncle Sam

Now don’t get me wrong
All my patriotic feelings run strong
The fervor feels nice
But wish that could feel it
For half of the price
It’s like you’d offer a meal
But not if you feel
They would hog the whole ham
You put a buck in your pocket
And give one to Uncle Sam

Where’s it all going?
The government keeps growing
It just grows and it grows
We keep on sowing
Without ever knowing
Where it all goes

Well that does it Steve
The post office is closing
So I’ve got to leave
Thanks for the cheer
I probably will see you
This time next year
That is, assuming that I’m
Not serving some time
If I get in a tax jam
Put a buck in my pocket
And give none to Uncle Sam.

You put a buck in your pocket
And good luck with Uncle Sam

Lyric © 2013, 2014 by Robert S. Steinberg, Esquire
All rights reserved

 

WE’RE DRINKING TO A BIG REFUND

Here’s a repeat of another tax season favorite.

WE’RE DRINKING TO A BIG REFUND
(To tune of, “White Christmas,” by Irving Berlin)

We’re drinking to a big refund
Just like the ones we had last year
Been through tax instructions
Need large deductions
A tax return to bring good cheer

We’re drinking to a big refund
Just gave our CPAs the gig
Here’s to Fate and Fortune, a swig
Now may all our tax refunds be big.

We’re drinking to a big refund
To pay off credit cards we owe
After year-long spending
Sales never-ending
We need a miracle to show

We’re drinking to a big refund
One that won’t land us in the brig
Uncle Sam don’t be Captain Quigg
See that all our tax refunds are big

Lyric © 2013 by Robert S. Steinberg, Esquire
All rights reserved.

 

 

 

I HATE TAXES

Just about now those who’ve learned they owe taxes with their tax filing are questioning the ability of their preparer and cursing the yolk of government spending.  Thus, I’m republishing a post that originally appeared on March 29, 2012 but grows ever more relevant

I HATE TAXES
(To the tune of, “I Love Paris,” by Cole Porter)

I hate taxes on my earnings
I hate taxes on my haul
I hate taxes on my profit in the market
I hate taxes on the interest when I park it

I hate taxes on my efforts
On my sweat throughout the year
I hate taxes
Then, why, oh why, do I pay taxes?
The only reason is fear

Lyric © 2011 Robert S. Steinberg, Esquire
All rights reserved

 

 

 

IRS

Hearing from IRS is rarely delightful. A letter from IRS causes psychological trauma. An IRS Revenue Agent once told me, only half-jokingly, that she becomes apprehensive every time she receives her payroll check in an IRS envelop. With refunds now largely remitted digitally, correspondence form IRS will almost certainly carry some unpleasantness to your doorstep. Thus, the lament in this post.

IRS
(To tune of “Night and Day” by Cole Porter)

IRS
Letters I fear
On an envelope I know that only bad news will bear
Ones I read, “I’m Really Scared”
Knowing there is income I’ve not declared
You bring me stress
IRS

IRS
Leave me alone
All the money I’d invested in that shelter is blown
Now if more tax you assess
You will leave me in a state of undress
Finis’ Noblesse
IRS

IRS
Why is it so to speak?
That a child you’re waylaying,
Who’s been playing, Hide and Seek

If I go to jail, no foul,
At least I’ll get three meals and a towel
For that God bless
IRS

Lyric © 2011, 2013 by Robert S. Steinberg, Esquire
All rights reserved

 

 

GETTING TO KNOW YOU AT IRS

GETTING TO KNOW YOU AT IRS
(To tune of “Getting to Know You,” by Rodgers and Hammerstein, from Broadway musical “The King and I”).

Getting to know you,
Getting to know more about you.
Letting you know you,
Are in our view

Getting to know when,
You earn a nice fee or interest.
With a keen interest,
We’re watching you.

When you are filing,
Making you feel quite uneasy.
Doing it so you,
Pay more not less

Haven’t you noticed?
Everything you do is noticed.
We have computers, humming a wry song,
Tracking you in the tax throng,
At IRS

Lyric © 2011 by Robert S. Steinberg, Esquire
All rights reserved

THEY TOOK MY HOME IN SAN FRANCISCO

THEY TOOK MY HOME IN SAN FRANCISCO
(To tune of “I Left My Heart in San Francisco” by George Cory & Douglas Cross, recorded and made famous by Tony Bennett (Columbia Records, 1962))

They took my home in San Francisco
For taxes owed I didn’t pay
Been riding little cable cars
Because they took my cars
My bank accounts
Had large amounts
Now who counts?

I lived the life in San Francisco
Now from the bridge into the bay
I’ll jump, tell IRS
Keep San Francisco
I’ve filed my last return today

Lyric © 2011 by Robert S. Steinberg, Esquire
Previously appeared in American Bar Association Section of Taxation News Quarterly, Tax Bites, Summer 2012